The topic of whether or not she reads this blog came up with a friend today. As far as I can tell she doesn't but I actually don't know. My friend expressed horror - how much more awkward do I make things by writing this stuff in a forum she could, in principle, read.
Personally, I don't think this really matters much. This blog makes absolutely no difference to the quality of my relationship with her - its been beyond stuffed for way longer than I have been blogging about it.
However, his questions lead me to think about the reasons I blog this stuff in such a public forum. Why do I do it? This is actually quite an intriguing question for me. There are some simple answers, but the more I think about it, the more complex the answer becomes.
One simple answer is that it acts as a release valve. Instead of obsessing about a communication I'd like to write her, a communication that I can't send because to do so would constitute unwelcome harassment, I write it here. I am pretty sure she would prefer that I didn't write these things in this forum, but quite frankly this is really more about my reaction to her than it is about her, so my willingness to care about this is fairly low. Is it still harassment if I write it here? I don't think so - I am not asking her to read this stuff and if she doesn't want to read it, then she can remain blissfully unaware of it. Also, since we have very few mutual acquaintances, the chance that someone will bring up my posts in conversation with her are somewhat remote.
It is true, however, that I want her to read this stuff. I'd like her to know what I am thinking. I'd prefer that she knows what my actual feelings are rather than hiding behind a pretence that I am somehow over her. I am not over her, and probably never will be. Better she knows that, I think, than to lie about it.
My thoughts are literally a conversation with the world outside trying to explain, and perhaps justify, why I think like I do. In explaining it to the world, perhaps I will better explain it to myself.
These posts are, in my opinion, brutally honest about what I think. This is somewhat ugly and some might say undignified. While this is true, I don't care about this either. In a sense, these posts help me set boundaries for where my feelings and thoughts go. Thinking in public helps ensure that I don't stray too far from socially acceptable positions.