The Unexpected
I had always wondered what it would be like to bump into her again. I wondered if I'd recognize her. I wondered how she'd react. I wondered how I'd react.
So, now, quite unexpectedly, I know.
Attending a technical conference sponsored by my employer today, there she was.
I said hi, she replied. I expressed my surprise at seeing her and then moved away to regain my composure. I probably shouldn't have gone back to try to engage her in conversation because I knew that was doomed to failure. But, of course, I did. We exchanged pleasantaries again, but the awkwardness of the situation made further conversation impossible for her and for me. So I said my goodbyes and walked away - for the last time.
There is an invisible wall between myself and her. All there is left for me to do is ponder the question: what colour should I paint it?
posted by Jon Seymour at 12:55
2 Comments:
...you say you have wondered how you would react and have now discovered how...
It almost sounds as if you have a primal, hidden, uncontrollable and independent part of your consciousness that raises its ugly head now and then. And while, yes that is true for the most part... I don't believe that it is reason to let the sleeping dog lie so to speak.
I would suggest that you deal with your feelings for her somehow. There are many ways, some healthier than others and often dependent on one's personality.
Hate her... Be happy for her... focus on another love... accept that life is like that... rationalize...
While the dark dog may awaken and pounce, he will be but a puppy that you pet and smile at... nice try buster but I am master of this domain!!!
I think your description of the "dark dog" within me is apt, though I doubt whether its wild nature can ever be truly tamed. Letting it sleep is the best option I have.
Yesterday, sadly, no illusions were dispelled. I never imagined that meeting her again would be easy, and it was not. Her reticence to share anything about her life with me was painfully obvious, but was not in the least bit surprising, given our history.
I wish it was possible to explain to others why my feelings for her are so strong, despite everything, but it seems the explanation is one that only I truly understand.
Such is life.
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