Wednesday, November 28, 2007


Part of the reason I have nothing, is that I needed permanence, I needed security. She couldn't offer me that.

The ironic thing is - I actually have attained a state of permanence.

My "relationship" with her is eternal, immortal.

It's fucked.

But, it'll never change.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Computer says....

Thursday, November 22, 2007


My past is my future
And my present is out of control.

I saw this film today. Brilliant film. Tragic story, but a brilliant, beautiful film. The weaving of the songs with the narrative is masterful.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Wandering the plains...

In a previous post, I wrote that I believed that she held a key which could unlock a state of permanent bliss, a key forever beyond my reach.

Musing about this since, I have come to the conclusion that's not an authentic statement of what I believe - it's too absolute, too universal, too eternal.

I do believe that she could unlock a state of temporary bliss. I know that. She did it before and she could, at least in principle, do it again. But it wouldn't be a permanent state.

I've come down from that high once. One descent was definitely enough. I am still in awe of that mountain, but I won't be climbing it again.

Friday, November 09, 2007

A brief flicker of rage...

Her appearance in my dream last night was very brief.

She was leaning on her hands, on the bed, next to me. Not a completely unwelcome image to savour, but my joy was tempered by her state - she was shaking with rage. It seems she had just read my blog and was pissed off by what she had read.

She was about to explain her thoughts when the illusion was shattered.

Monday, November 05, 2007

The fundamental delusion

If I didn't believe it, it wouldn't be a delusion.

The fundamental delusion, I think, is this: the unshakeable belief that she holds a magic key that would unlock a state of permanent bliss.

I know that the key is forever beyond my reach.

What I can't shake is the belief that the key exists and that, if I could grasp it, I would be in nirvana.

The ghastly thing is that my alienation from her serves only to reinforce the delusion. The invisible wall feels so real. If there is nothing to desire, why does the wall exist? Its very existence seems proof that I am being denied access to something real.

I sometimes flirt with the idea that we could somehow have a normal friendship. It'd be nice to be able to remove her from the pedestal upon which I have placed her and see her as a normal person with all her charms and flaws, to deal with the reality of her husband and their child.

But I just can't imagine how that could ever happen. She'd have to want to offer it to me, and that would take a gigantic and unjustified leap of faith in me for her to do that. Why would she risk getting entangled with me again?

No reason.

Of course, I could not help but fall in love with the generosity of spirit that would be required to take that risk, thereby justifying the fears that would prevent it from being taken in the first place.

And so the tragic wheel continues to spin - proving that, in the universe of emotion, there is no second law of thermodynamics.