Tuesday, October 16, 2007

In response to The Other One

Until Monday, I hadn't seen her for over 9 years. Then on Monday she appeared at a conference run by my employer. Presumably, she'll return to Melbourne on Thursday and then the chance of an accidental crossing of paths will be much reduced.

I am obsessed with her and we both know it. A long time ago, she tried to let me down gently but at some point decided to just ignore me.

In purely rational terms, I understand why she had to do that and I know that if I was in her shoes, I'd do exactly the same thing.

But understanding it rationally doesn't make my feelings go away. They just are. And, as far as I can tell, always will be.

In the interest of maintaining a shred of dignity, I do try very hard not to impose myself upon her. I haven't managed to do that perfectly, but all things considered I think I have done it pretty well. Blogging helps, since I can write things here that may otherwise have ended up in a pointless e-mail to her.

I think the sad truth is that she is afraid of my obsession for her. Given the strength of my feelings, I really can't blame her. Stating this so bluntly sounds like a threat but this couldn't be further from the truth. I bear no malice or jealousy for her or her husband. At one level I do accept that it is over.

Yet, the feelings remain.

I wish we could talk to clear the air, but if I am honest I know talk wouldn't solve anything. She has absolutely no place in her heart for me and if there is one silver lining of these past few days, at least it is now screamingly obvious.

Perhaps the sheer physical reality of her rejection of me will knock my rose-coloured glasses off and help me let go. One could hope. But the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I caught sight of her today tells me otherwise.

Intense. That was her word for what we once had. Alienation is my word for what remains.

2 Comments:

Anonymous The Other One said...

I think it's time to walk away. Whatever you had going between you is clearly gone, and it won't come back.

She's moved on, and she thinks (apparently correctly) that you haven't. Being married now, she can't take the risk to be seen to be associating with you, even "just as friends", particularly if you have any common acquaintances / colleagues.

It takes time. You might be lucky, and she'll return to Melbourne and not see you for another 9 years. In the meantime just stay cool, nod a greeting or whatever if you happen to see her, but keep your thoughts focused on some more productive topic - like coding :-)

There are lots more mermaids in the sea. Mentally chuck this one back in and keep an eye out for others.

17 October 2007 at 11:41  
Blogger Jon Seymour said...

Of course, I know this. I have known it for a long time. There have been so many points at which I should have just walked away, the better ones over 10 years ago.

I am resigned to the fact that just as I'll never again be on friendly terms with her, neither will I be able to eliminate her from my psyche. Neither of these are things
that I can control, in any meaningful sense of the words "I" or control.

If "I" do decide to walk away, then it won't be by force of will. It'll be because something very stubborn deep inside me has called it quits. If that was going to happen, you would have thought it would have happened by now.

Realistically, I think I will continue to exist as I have - with long periods of relative stability and happiness interspersed with brief periods of trauma such as these.

Thanks for your views. Apologies if I am such an non-compliant subject!

17 October 2007 at 12:52  

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