Monday, October 22, 2007

One battle too many against a phantom

The problem with conceptualising my situation as a contest of wills with her is that it assumes that from her point of view she is expending emotional effort to resist me. That she is denying me access to something that exists and that would fulfill my desire, if only she would grant me access to it.

I think what I haven't properly internalized is that there really is *nothing* there to desire. It's not just she is denying me access to it - there *really* is nothing there.

I think I know why I make that basic psychological mistake - it was (apparently) there before. Surely, it is there now?

That's why my desire for her is different to a desire for Salma Hayek - Salma never had a thing for me.

Now, I can tell myself that she has nothing for me, but I think that subconsciously I have never really accepted that.

Of course, that has to change.


Anonymous The Other One said...

... it assumes that from her point of view she is expending emotional effort to resist me.

Come back to what I said a few days ago about "No need to spend any time at all considering whether she is avoiding you."

Quite probably she is spending exactly zero time thinking about you and your feelings. This is a state she can keep up forever, since it requires no effort to maintain. You on the other hand, know how much time this occupies in your thoughts.

Here's another apropos link:

Stages of the Loss Process

22 October 2007 at 23:18  
Blogger Jon Seymour said...

Zero time? Yes, you are right about that.

I go through cycles where I conceive of her as hard and cold and completely without sympathy or empathy for me. What inevitably happens is that I eventually remember her as she was before and my image of her softens again.

On several of the measures listed by that link I think I am already in the acceptance state. Once the ripples of last week subside, I think I will return to a reasonably even keel.

23 October 2007 at 08:13  

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